The one with the reality check.
Uhm. Reality check Yanna. School starts a week from today. PANIC PANIC PANIC.
Yes I tried on the uniform just to see if it fits. I mean like you never know…one year the uniform fits and then after summer I’m all obese and the uniform doesn’t fit, yes that’s what I was thinking as I was putting my uniform on. If you know me personally then you’ll know that I over think about everything which causes me to panic, and you’ll know that I especially cannot do things under pressure. Once I’m under pressure I start panicking. A lot. That’s why I absolutely dislike tests. When I’m under pressure I just panic and mess up. To be honest if I didn’t dislike tests I’d probably have more logical guesses. Yep, when I don’t know the answer to a question, I have the stupidest guess because all I’m doing is just panicking. -sigh- yeah I hate being under pressure. Heh. Anyway. Uniform. Right. Yeah I tried on the uniform just to see if I’m all obese and stuff. Also if the uniform doesn’t fit, it’s a nightmare to just buy the uniform from school. It’s just really stressful. Also if the uniform doesn’t fit and I tell my parents:
- They’ll scold me saying that it’s a waste of money
- They’ll blame me for being really fat
- This will become family gossip
- All the fat jokes will be 10 times worse
See I over think everything. Anyway…school…um…I’m just extremely nervous about school this year. First of all I’m in Year 10…YEAR 10. Oh gosh. How is that even possible? I mean like it seems like it was just yesterday that I was just that shy girl back in Reception who feared Year 10. Nope. Again Yanna. Reality check, you are now that weird, loud, short girl in Year 10. You’re about to start your GCSEs. I still find that extremely hard to believe. Year 10…boy…I don’t know what to expect. Starting my GCSEs, meeting lot’s and lot’s of new teachers since lot’s of teachers left last year (140 teachers I think?), meeting new students (doubt there’ll be lot’s of new students) and starting the stressful process all over again is just making me feel extremely anxious. After seeing that school hate blog I don’t know what to expect at all…Reading the blog did really entertain me because there’s a mastermind behind that blog. The blog was just filled with teacher’s comments about the school. Someone has been collecting these comments for years. I mean like there are comments on that blog from teachers who left when I was in primary school. Whoever this mastermind is, I applaud him or her. Hmm…what else do I have to say about school? Hmm…GCSEs. Well that’s something I’ve been fearing since I can remember. And don’t even get me started on A Levels. I feel like pissing my pants thinking about taking those tests. I mean like what if I fail? I am not the most academic person. In fact, I think I’m pretty much stupid. If my friends read this then um hush. Being top set in all my subjects since I can remember is pure luck. Yes I’m in top set but I get the lowest grades in top set. Well I don’t know that but I feel like I get the lowest grades in top set. Anyway, in my family, well my dad’s side…or just my dad…nah it’s his side of the family. Yeah my dad’s side of the family, particularly my dad, values intelligence. And well…I am a disgrace to them. My older sister is purely academic, straight A student and all, lucky bitch. Anyway that side of the family values intelligence and I’m a disgrace, my parents even told me that I’ll end up in the streets and all my friends will be laughing at me because they’re all successful and I’m not. I’m just a piece of useless crap. And honestly…I’m starting to believe that I’ll never be successful in life…which really scares me…-sigh-. Last year in my Citizenship class, my teacher asked everyone to write what they wanted to be when they grew up…I had completely no idea…ever since I was a kid I didn’t have the slightest idea as to what I wanted to be when I grew up…as a kid it really scared me and it still does scare me today…my sister told me not to worry about it but as much as I try not to worry about it, it makes me worry about it even more…anyway the citizenship class. Right. Anyway at the end of the class everyone asked each other what they wrote. I kept mine secret because I didn’t have a clue. They all wrote things like Doctor, Engineer and as a joke, one guy even wrote Janitor. Do you know what I wrote? Well I pretty much went personal by accident, I said the most stupidest thing. I said I just wanted to be successful. How I had absolutely no clue, how I didn’t know if I was fit for any job out there and how not knowing anything and how not having a goal just scares me. As soon as I gave my paper in at the end of the class I literally felt like repeatedly stabbing myself in the chest. I’m not sure if my teacher read it because she was one of those teachers who never really checked the students’ work. If she did then fuck. I still do think that I’ll never even be successful, that everyone that I know will just be so much more successful and then there’s me…out in the streets…-sigh- starting to believe my parents is starting to make me slack off a bit…I felt like I slacked off last year..and I’m just so frustrated at myself…I got an A in both Science and Math and a B in English (I only remember my grades in my core subjects)…I feel like I could have done much better than that…it’s extremely frustrating knowing that I’ll be getting less and less motivated as the years go by…knowing that I’ll be depressed as heck when I’m in university…my dad is pretty much well…how do I say this nicely? A bastard? I know calling me dad is a bastard is just bad but I don’t feel bad for calling him a bastard, just like how I don’t feel bad for lying to him, swearing, disobeying his ridiculous rules and even talking back to him. Well basically my dad is very um selfish with his money and he’s faaaar too over protective. Oh and I missed out controlling and sexist. Basically he’s an asshole. He won’t let my sisters and I apply to universities outside of the country because of his stupid excuses. My sister is extremely frustrated at my dad because she worked her ass off for pretty much nothing. Typing about my dad is like a whole new post, so I’ll keep it short. So now I’m not sure if I should work really hard or not…is it worth it? -sigh- all the stress, pressure, sleepless nights…wish me luck next week…