The one with the worst summer ever
It’s officially the end of summer…school tomorrow…great.
-sigh- Summer 2014…definitely the worst summer ever. Hmm…how do I start? -sigh- well um a couple weeks before summer I made a list of things to do over the summer. That list consisted of:
• Fix eating habits - My eating habits were really bad. During school days I’d skip breakfast due to the fact that I don’t have time to eat breakfast, I wouldn’t eat during school because my parents stopped packing lunch for me, getting food at school was such a pain since the line was just far too long and expensive but I didn’t really care about the price. Also, if my friends offered me food I usually refused because I feel bad if I eat some even if a lot because I didn’t want them going the slightest bit hungry, yes I’m the one going through the day hungry but since I’m used to it I don’t mind because my eating habits have been like this for about 4-5 years now? It’s gotten worse over the years heh. Anyway I get home from school at around 2:00-4:00 pm depending on the day, sometimes I have to stay after school because I have to do a favour for a teacher, causing me to miss the bus and usually it’s too hot to walk home, my friends wanted to hang around after school, I had an ECA which stands for Extra Curricular Activity or I had to complete my service. If I didn’t have to do any of the above I’d be home at around 2:00. So I’d eat Lunch when I get home, I already don’t eat very much to begin with so my portions aren’t very large. On Sundays I usually go to church so I skip dinner too. Or sometimes I even take a nap after lunch and miss dinner, actually it’s more like I fall asleep after lunch and miss dinner…whoops? Hey I usually get a little bit of sleep or no sleep at all during the night sooo I like to catch up on some sleep by taking a nap. Once I wake up, depending on what time it is, I either browse on my iPad or do my homework. I’m not one of those people who do their homework when they got home which by the way how do you do that? I’m too tired to even think about homework. Also, with my distant relationship with my parents at home I absolutely cannot do my homework during the day, when my parents are in the same room as me I tense up and because I don’t do my homework during the day, my dad to accuses me for not doing any homework. Honestly, I understand he’s accusing me because I don’t do it in front of him but sometimes I just want him to shut up because he doesn’t know how much work I get from school, how tired I am when I’m home from school and just how stressed I am. I seriously hate how he always complains as to how tired he is when he gets home and every single fucking day, he releases all his stress on me. The middle child. He can’t release his stress on my other two siblings because they’re both favourites. Another thing I dislike about this household, favouritism. -sigh- sometimes my mum does it too but it’s mainly my dad. Like I get that he’s tired but I’m tired too. What. Just because I don’t have a job means I’m not tired? Excuse me? I’m extremely grateful that he’s working for my family so I’m just tolerating all his bullshit but sometimes I wish he can think of other people and not just himself. Like I said in my previous post, he’s pretty much a selfish bastard. Sometimes, just to avoid him yelling at me when he gets home I make sure I take a nap a few minutes before he gets home, but it just means he yells at me later, but it means I’m in a better mood so I can handle it better. Oh and I forgot to add, if I never did my homework he would’ve gotten a billion emails from my teachers. He’s even witnessed me doing all-nighters because of homework. Doing my homework whilst everyone is asleep is so much better because it means the atmosphere in the house is less tense, my dad isn’t constantly looking over my shoulder and it just really means no yelling. Both my older sister and I do our homework at night because of my parents but annoyingly it means we get like and hour or two of sleep or no sleep at all. Back to the point, I usually have 1 meal sometimes 2 meals and sometimes I don’t eat at all, yes I’m aware of the fact that it is extremely unhealthy but it’s not exactly my fault. And if you’re wondering, even if I have P.E I don’t eat and luckily I don’t faint. My body has gotten used to doing physical activity on an empty stomach.)
• Be more active - Honestly, I am extremely insecure about my appearance. I may not seem like I’m insecure but I secretly am. I never used to be so insecure about my appearance till my relatives started making fun of me. Particularly during puberty, during puberty your body is more on the bigger size and just disproportionate but once you grow your body sorta evens out. Well at the time I didn’t know this so I just thought I was fat. I still do think I’m fat and honestly I’ve probably heard every fat joke out there “NO YANNA DON’T SIT ON THAT CHAIR YOUR FAT BUTT IS GOING TO BREAK IT” or “You should run more, your legs are huge” or “Yanna you’re bigger than me!”, my Aunt said that and she was talking about my body, not my height, I know this because well one, my cousin was next to me and he coughed and whispered “Indirect insult” and two, I am a short person and I am shorter than my Aunt. Ehm. Once a shorty, always a shorty. Annoyingly, being short has lot’s of disadvantages like not being able to reach some things or I’m not sure if this applies to anyone else but in my group of friends the guys, who are significantly taller than me use my head as an arm-rest. As I was saying, my relatives have even separated my cousins and I (Dad’s side of the family) in two categories “Fat” and “Thin”, yes. I was put in the Fat side. -sigh- what made this even worse is that this was done over the dinner table, I lost my appetite after they separated my cousins and I into those two categories, I’ve ignored every insult they’ve ever said to me but that one just hurt the most. No matter how hard I try to forget it…I just can’t. All my relatives bring it up every single time I see them…especially my dad. He laughs at how I’m larger than the girls in his side, I’m sorry I got my body from mom’s side of the family, do you want me to be anorexic so that I’ll look the way every single fucking person wants me to look like? I want to tell my relatives to stop making fun of me so badly…but I can’t…because it’ll just result in more teasing. If I lose weight, they’ll tease me. If I don’t do anything, they’ll tease me. It’s just a lose lose situation for me. I can’t even eat near my relatives. They give me looks when I’m eating and it just makes me so conscious about what I’m eating…and I do eat much less around them…not because I want them to think I only eat a little bit but because I don’t have much of an appetite when I’m staying in their house, I honestly think that if they didn’t call me to eat meals, I would survive staying there for a week without eating anything, all liquid diet? I don’t even know. There was this one time, it was Christmas or New Year or something but it was some holiday and everyone was eating in the kitchen then there was my cousin and I eating in a different room, we honestly felt kind of uncomfortable eating near them because they were all just giving us these looks like if you were to put it into words it would go like this ‘A moment on the lips, forever on the hips.’ have you heard of that phrase? And yes that cousin was put in the “Fat” category as well. This “teasing” has been going on for since I can remember. I would confront my relatives about the insults they’ve said to me. Like I said earlier, it’ll result in more teasing. So I’d much rather just do nothing, have them tease me throughout my whole life and just I don’t know, keep my mouth shut. Maybe I’ll confront my relatives, maybe I won’t one day…should I keep letting them tease me? Should I not? -sigh- I don’t know…
• Read more - I never have time to read during the school year since I’m just so busy? I guess you can say. I’m not sure if that’s the right word but that’s the word for now I guess. Anyway since I don’t usually do anything during the summer I wanted to read the books on my bedside table (these are the books I’ve been wanting to either finish reading or start reading like this book called “This is a love story” by Jessica Thompson. Oh and if you girls are looking for a some books to read, I recommend the book “Wings” by Aprilynne Pike and “Eve” by Anna Carey, will have a different post about these two books soon)
Obviously I wasn’t able to complete these tasks and it’s already almost the end of summer. Which I’m so annoyed by but I blame myself for just sulking and crying throughout the summer…-sigh- where do I start? Hmm…well I during the first two weeks of summer I was doing completely fine in terms of starting to complete my list. Well one morning I woke up and went into the living room like usual and I noticed my dad was on the phone with a friend of his. I didn’t know exactly what they were talking about since it was none of my business. I’m not like him who’s so nosy about every single thing I do like I was skyping an old friend of mine who left a few years ago. We stopped talking for about a year then he called me and we started talking for hours just catching up and according to my little sister he was curious as to who I was talking to since I was all happy, I don’t act all happy at home since I’m very much unhappy here. Well I’m pretty sure he was eavesdropping which made me want to punch him so badly but I pretending I didn’t know anything about my dad being nosy. Anyway what I did notice was that they were talking for a while. They were talking for about an hour then my dad came to my sisters and I after he ended the call with his friend he came to my sisters and I in the living room and said something like this “What if I got a job in Korea…and if I do accept the job…I’ll be working in Korea and you guys will be moving to Philippines…”. And my heart sank…after my dad said that…I simply left and went straight into my room…I honestly didn’t know what to think…I was pretty much devastated…the thought of moving? I-I don’t know…I was born here…I grew up here…I pretty much settled down…I know that I wouldn’t stay here for the rest of my life but honestly since my family is pretty much crap…until that day…my sisters and I knew that we weren’t planning on moving anytime soon…-sigh- anyone who knows me personally definitely knows that I seriously dislike big changes…I can adjust to small changes like the kind of change to my normal routine or something but moving? I don’t know what moving feels like…I’ve never moved houses…I’ve never moved schools…I’ve never moved countries…I’ve lived here since birth…almost 15 years…Qatar is the only place I know. And besides…living in Philippines? I already struggle just staying there for a month. But living there? I can’t imagine that. I’m not used to the humidity, which by the way, is horrible for my hair, I hate how most people there are close-minded like wherever you go, you feel like you’re being constantly judged, or is it just me? Knowing the fact that I might leave just makes me panic because I feel like I don’t have enough time to do everything I want to do…I thought everyone leaving me was going to be the worst thing that’ll happen to me…well me leaving the only thing I know was much much worse than that…leaving my friends, my relatives, the house I grew up in and the school I’ve been in since Reception. I don’t know if that sentence made sense there but I’m just feeling really emotional right now so I’m not exactly thinking straight…I thought I’d be able to stay here till I graduate, I thought I’d be able to stay till I finished my International Award till Gold, I thought I’d be able to do my A levels here or just even finish my GCSEs…if my dad does accept that job, then I’ll be leaving next year…I watched everyone grow and it just hurts knowing that I won’t be able to do that when I leave, knowing that I won’t be able to help them when they’re in need or just even keep in contact with them…with the different time zones and schedules…they’ll be too busy to talk…lot’s of things are scaring me right now…I’ve already told almost everyone about me possibly leaving…I know it isn’t confirmed yet…but I just want to prepare them…just in case I really am leaving…-sigh- I won’t fit in if I move to Philippines…my cousins even told me themselves…I don’t know what to do from here…my friends told me to talk to my parents about it but I can’t…not because I don’t want to…but because I can’t…like I mentioned above…my sisters and I aren’t close with our parents at all…my parents think they know who we are, but they really don’t. My dad saw the way I am around my friends and he even accused me of being plastic “When you’re in the house you’re all quiet and sometimes grumpy, but when you’re with your friends you’re all happy and you hug them and all…you’re so plastic.” that seriously offended me. The only reason I am the way I am at home is because of my parents, especially my dad. In my house you can’t exactly show much emotions, you can’t be upset, or mad, or too happy…you just have to be neutral…my dad caught me crying about a friend of mine leaving…I get so attached to my friends because I’m not close with my parents at all…when she called me in the morning and told me the bad news…I didn’t know what to think…I tried holding in my tears but I just couldn’t…so I ran into my room and sat in the corner and cried my eyes out…then my dad comes into the room. I quickly rubbed my eyes and took a deep breath. He looked at me and goes “You’re crying? Hah? Why?” I told him that a friend of mine was leaving and he goes “So what? Why are you crying? There’s nothing to cry about? She’s only leaving? It’s not like she meant much to you or anything” then he left the room laughing. I didn’t know how to feel at that point. I just felt furious yet so upset at the same time. So I just cried my eyes out and hit whatever was close to me.
So what else happened over the summer? Oh well…there was this one extremely tense weekend. Like I’ve never felt the atmosphere THAT tense. Ever. So this one Thursday my dad came home then left to go get my mom’s university friend because she was staying over during the weekend…so when my dad and my mum’s friend get back…my mom comes a few minutes later and she looked pissed. Like super pissed. That’s when the atmosphere went all tense…my mum went straight into the room and pretty much stayed there all day…she didn’t eat…she didn’t come out…according to my mum’s friend and my dad…she had a fight with a co worker. Now my mum is one of those people who doesn’t start fights so the other person really must have pissed her off. My mum is just generally a quiet person except for when she’s with her relatives and just back home. When she’s with her side of the family, she’s hella loud. My mum is from the province so her side of the family is just super loud, sometimes being around them is so irritating to me, sometimes I even feel embarrassed being with them in public because they are so loud. Anyway, right, my mum. My sisters and I seriously hated how tense it was in the house, we just wanted to get out. The three of us pretty much stayed in my older sister’s study room for the whole day and annoyingly the air conditioner was broken, it still is currently broken and I’m sweating at the moment, gross but true. Anyway I came out and went into the living room at around 10:00 and my mum comes out of the room…she was in the kitchen for a while and I heard her finding some things…I didn’t know what she was really looking for at the time and I didn’t dare approach her because it was like there was a force field around my mum, the closer you got, the more tense it was. Anyway then she comes out with a plastic and some other things in her hand. She goes back into the room and comes back out again to get a litre of water. I didn’t know why but I just assumed that she felt sick or something so I just looked at her and went back to doing what I was doing. So then I see my dad sleeping in the living room as well, ugh, but I was assuming that he just wanted to give my mum some space or something so I just let him be. Then my dad gets up and uses the bathroom and goes to check on my mum because apparently, when my mum got home my dad noticed a big, dark bruise on her arm (we were assuming she got it from hitting her arms really hard on her office desk her something, because if my mum got into a physical fight how would she get a bruise on that spot?) and she wasn’t happy at all. She has never been like this before. Well she has…but it was around 7-8 years ago…-sigh-. Anyway, I was tired as heck and i just wanted that night to end so I decided to go to sleep. And I was asleep for about 10 mins till my dad came running to the living room and woke me up. My dad had this extremely worried look on his face and he told me what my mum did (I won’t say on here because I feel quite uncomfortable saying exactly what happened, I’d much rather have people ask me personally what happened and I will gladly answer, I don’t want to tell the whole world what happened exactly because it may ruin my family’s reputation. I don’t mind people asking me what happened as long as they won’t tell other people) my mum did something bad. Like she has never done this before…although…something similar happened a few years ago…-sigh- another thing that upset me over the summer…my forgotten past…I felt like I was re-living my past that week…it was complete torture. I never knew that my past would come back to bite me in the ass…I forgot about this dark part of my childhood for about 7 years now and it just came back and haunted me…all the memories just came right at me…I never really told anyone about that dark part of my past…probably because that’s when I closed up…I did try to open up to my friends…but they just don’t understand…they made me feel bad by saying they’ve experienced worse…they don’t understand…I broke down that night and they just weren’t there for me…they didn’t let me finish any of my sentences…they kept saying how they had it much worse…but they didn’t…I’ve been observing them and their relationship with their family for years…and it’s not the same…they’re either close to both parents or at least one parent…I don’t have that…I can’t talk to either of my parents at all…and as a kid I always envied my friends because they had such a good relationship with their parents…meanwhile there’s me…after that night I tried opening up to them…I closed up…I forcefully forgot about what had happened throughout my childhood and it worked…for about 7 years…-sigh- going outside helped a lot. And I mean a lot. I never really knew why I loved walking outside when I was upset or just emotional till that weekend. I loved it because I did it so much as a kid. I always went out to the parks to play with the people there or as I like to call it “The daytime gang” and “The night-time gang” I don’t even know. I was extremely lame back then…wait…I still am lame…well hey, some things don’t change do they? Anyway since the atmosphere in the house was so tense, as a kid, as soon as I stepped out of that door, I felt like I could breathe more easily, lot’s of weight was just lifted off of my shoulders. I just felt free and just genuinely happy. And that’s why I love going outside, I also did notice that whenever I am outside, I walk around and somehow I ALWAYS end up at a park. ALWAYS. Even when I’m out with my friends and I feel upset, I always secretly sneak off and go off to a park for just a few minutes and I’ve also noticed that whenever I see the park, I always smile. I don’t know, if I’m out with you and I randomly disappear, chances are that I’m just at a park nearby. Oh and also, I recently discovered this park quite near where I live. I always knew it was there and I have been there before but I never really explored that park. Ever since I discovered it two months ago, I’m always there. I noticed that nobody really goes to that park…well…actually there was the occasional people just passing by but other than that, there’s nobody there…well…anyway…that tense night? Worst night of my entire life…I just felt so many emotions…I had so many thoughts in my head…I just wanted to talk to someone…I really needed someone that night…as much as I wanted to talk to someone…I just couldn’t do it…I’ve been independent for pretty much all my life and crying for help felt so…weird…and just not right…I’m so used to dealing things by myself…but I don’t know what happened to me that night…why couldn’t I handle it? Why did I feel so alone…so…lost…-sigh-
What else do I have to say about my crappy summer? Oh. My sister and I have been talking behind my dad’s back more than usual. And that’s mainly because my sister is so unhappy about her future plans. She made the biggest mistake of letting my dad choose her university. My sister got straight A’s for A levels and she’s going to a crap university in a crap country. She’s staying here really and she’s extremely unhappy. She worked so hard just to get away from here and she’s just so frustrated. We live in a controlling country and on top of that we have a controlling ass dad and the university she’s going to? Strict and controlling as well and she absolutely hates it. I knew she was so upset but I never realised just how upset she was. I’m currently using my sister’s computer and she was logged onto her tumblr and I noticed that she had things on draft and I thought it was sort of weird and uhm I kinda snooped around a bit and there were just paragraphs on how she was feeling. Utter sadness. It says how much she’s been crying and all…and just how hopeless she feels. She feels drained. I’ve only ever seen her cry once. Knowing she’s been crying these past few weeks just breaks my heart. We’ve also been having late night four hour talks about everything, her plans, my dad, this country, this house…EVERYTHING. My sister’s thinking of transferring schools because she just wants to get out of here. She wants more freedom and just to have fun during her university days because that’s the time when you have the least responsibilities. All these years all she’s done was work work work. And since she’s unhappy she’ll bury herself in her studies and work work work again. After university what next? Getting a job and just settling down. Work work work. She doesn’t want that at all and I completely agree. We both know that her working has paid off but she wants to experience happiness and freedom again. She even said in one of her paragraphs that she doesn’t remember the last time she was truly happy. -sigh- I didn’t go into much detail with this paragraph because we talked about a shit ton of things.
Honestly…my dad got worse this summer…he’s just been on my nerves throughout the summer…especially now…it’s the end of the summer and he’s just yelling at me more…snapping at me…it’s just so frustrating how he doesn’t treat anyone in the house very nicely…we are both equal individuals yet I feel so small. Like this is what got me the most. My dad called me a slut. A slut. My own dad called me a slut? I can handle other insults but calling me a slut was just way over the line. His insults always cross the line but this was different. You couldn’t even see the line anymore. This is what I mean. My dad doesn’t treat us fairly. To him the line is pretty much non-existent. We have our limits and he just doesn’t realise that. He called me a slut for the wrong reasons too. His logic is just so stupid. Okay so when the seasons are changing my lips get extremely dry to the point where they’re just red and painful. I put on some lip balm and that’s pretty much it. He accused me for wearing red lipstick when I wasn’t even wearing any. I even rubbed my lip with my finger TWICE and showed my finger to him. There was nothing there. And because of that I am now a slut. This is what he said “(in tagalog) You’re wearing red lipstick. You’re like a sllllllut”. I still remember exactly how he said it. And it just really annoys me. After he said that to me, I was in such a bad mood for the rest of the day. Well now you know my dad’s logic, Red lipstick = SLUT.
Well that’s my dad for you. Dad = the person who never fails to stress me out or piss me off
Well we have FINALLY reached the end of this post. If you read all the way down then damn you’re seriously bothered, haha well done. I apologize for making this post extremely long, I tried to shorten it as much as possible and I missed out quite a lot of things but this is just the summary of my summer, IT WAS AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER. Complete bullshit. Also, since it’s such a long post, I’m sure that there are a billion grammar mistakes, punctuation mistakes and shit but whatever. This post probably didn’t make sense anyway but oh wells. Haha, first day of school tomorrow. FUCK. I swear if they ask us to write or just talk about our summer what am I supposed to say? Do I jokingly say I was hibernating or what? I don’t even know. Usually I do hibernate during the summer but this summer I barely got any sleep so um yeah. Haha. Eek. School tomorrow, wish me luck >.<